I started a new job this week and today was my second day working with the children. It was not a very pleasant day so I got pretty discouraged about my new position.
Previously I was working as a preschool teacher at a private christian preschool. I quit about a month ago because I felt like it was what God wanted me to do. A new position working with children with Autism was presented to me and I was hired very quickly. I felt totally at peace so I put in my 2 weeks and waited to actually start with my new company.
While I was in between jobs for 2 weeks waiting for the new one to start, I started having mental breakdowns of not knowing what to do with my career choice. I am majoring in Child Development but lately I have just been feeling like God is only calling me to that area of work for the season of life that I am in now.
I am saving up for a DSLR camera so that I can start learning photography. My ultimate goal is to be a wife and a mom first and a photographer second but I am just feeling stuck. I don't have a set career path that I want to go onto with schooling. Like, I would be totally happy to drop out right now and get no degree. But If I did that to become a mom and photographer, I would feel horrible for not having some kind of degree. (Because that somehow makes you a more successful person and being a stay at home mom is just really frowned upon.)
Why do we have so much pressure on us to work and take care of a family? Why can't I be a stay at home mom? Taking care of my family and putting all my effort into being the best mom and wife I can be is WAYYY more important to me than being a successful working woman. There's absolutely nothing wrong with having a family and working outside the home but I have no desire to do so. Even if I did finish my degree and worked outside the home, I wouldn't be doing what makes me happy, resulting in me being miserable and only giving my family half of what I could be.
Life is just so hard sometimes. Especially when your like me and have to know what God is doing with your life at all times. I HATE surprises. I just want to know what would happen if I just dropped everything to become a photographer and mom. Would I still be successful? Would my photography business be a sustainable income? Why isn't God telling me what to do right now? What's my next move?
So anyways, to make a long story quite short, I had a bad day, which makes me very frustrated and uneasy about my future. Ever have one of those days where you just ask God why? Well, that was my day today, full of confusion and questions. Ever have days like that?? Hopefully next time I'll be able to write about something a little more on the positive side, but today I needed to rant. Until next time...